I was having a really good day, nothing bad happened at school, all my friends were here, and no one did anything weird or bad. I get home, my friend texts me if she can stay at my place, I say yes, she comes over, we eat food having a great time, she leaves, we are cleaning up the table(mom, dad, sister), I'm trying to put down a bag, open container of sauce, I accidentally knock it over with the bag, my dad gets mad at me for apparently "being careless when setting down the bag", he starts yelling at me "If only you were more caring and responsible this would have happened!", I start crying, he really doesn't care, when ever I cry from when he yells at me he always goes "Come on.. Why are you doing this?... It's not that serious" LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL. FROM THE CRYING I CONSTANTLY HAVE PANIC ATTACKS IT'S A TRAUMA RESPONSE FOR ME I'VE NEEDED A THERAPIST FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS THEY HAVEN'T EVEN PLANNED ANYTHING. So now, just a few moments ago, I go to the basement bathroom, and start hyperventilating, having a panic attack, not well at all, I hear him talking to my mom "I feel I'm alone here(commenting on my mother aiding my case)", and it pisses me off, he's never alone in arguments we have and I hate it so much I get no help it hurts me physically and mentally, I hate it so much. Now, I'm in my room, saying this, still crying and feeling awful. Being honest, I don't feel well, feel like
, but I cope by drawing lines on myself with pens and makeup. I'm starting to feel better but not really, I'm just going to write and draw right now and watch a sitcom. I love myself, just not feeling it right now.