ok so um
ive recently, and by that i mean for the past MANY MONTHS, felt like im being pressured by my parents to be a good daughter. like since im a super sensitive person and basically a crybaby, i take things to heart easily, to which my mental health is really bad at times - panic attacks, selfdoubt, suicidal thoughts, etc. like today, my mom crashed out at me for a supet valid reason, and i obviously had a panic attack. the way she like described me made me believe that i mightve actually failed my family, as a daughter and sister. but i also am scared to tell them about it, cause theyre already so stressed out and i just feel like if i try to tell them, it will make things worse. esp since mom has told me that i might have to go to therapy, which i really dont want. but its not only w like my family, im scared to tell anyone close, like my friends, too. cause they have their own lives, their own people, their own problems, and i just worry that if i try to like show them that "hey, im not okay too" theyd just dismiss me and say its "whatever," which i always tell myself, that im just making it seem like im struggling when i might not be. i sometimes try to ask for help, but im too scared. whenever someone offers help, i decline, cause i dont wanna worry anyone. when i feel like having a shit day, i just take my time to listen to y si fuera ella, cause its all i can relate to at the moment. it makes me feel pain, that makes me relax yet hurt even more. i feel connected to jonghyun's problems (as corny as it sounds) whenever i fear of being left alone and lonely. i have a supportive family and supportive friends, that mean so much to me, but with time ive realized there once was a spark in me that had faded away and not many people might be interested in that anymore. i always say its gonna be okay, ill be fine, but i doubt that now. i mightve just let myself sink in too much to the point that i might drown soon.