I never actually thought I'd end up here, but here we are, I suppose. It's my first time being so open to the internet, but oh well, I guess (Sorry for such a long rant in advance! Just skip to the end blurb if you don't want to read the word vomit).
For the longest time, I never thought anyone would have any feelings to me, let alone want to be in a relationship with me. It really bugged me when I first started out in high school, but over time, I started to realize that all the people I'm with in school now are only a fraction of the people I'll meet in the future. I finally freed myself of most of those awful, negative thoughts I had of myself, and I felt like I was truly alive and simply not just living, for once, like I was finally happy with myself. Of course, that wasn't to say I didn't want a relationship; I just became more at peace with myself and simply took things as life came.
Anyways, senior year of high school starts up, and was pretty good. I made a bunch of new friends, became more social, etc. For the sake of keeping the rant nice and simple, I was closer to some of my new friends than others. One of those friends I wasn't as close to, however, somehow ended up developing feelings for me. Looking back, I should've noticed it with how often they texted me and whatnot, but I digress. Two weeks ago, they actually asked me out. As an avid lover of love and romance, I was shocked when all I felt when they asked me was anxiety and sadness, instead of the joy I expected. Maybe it was because I didn't feel as close to them. I told them I'd take the day to think about it. I felt everything and nothing at once for the rest of the day after that incident. One moment, I felt completely numb, the next, I'm trying not to throw up or crying in my bathroom. I thought it was just nerves and that they'd eventually go away, and told them we could give things a try for two weeks, then see how we both felt. The next couple days were some of the worst, though. I couldn't hold any food down or properly sleep and I'd constantly be trying to hold back tears, and so, I eventually broke things off after four days. I knew I couldn't go on like that for two weeks.
I know, logically, I did the right thing by being honest and not leading them on, but I still can't help but feel so guilty for what happened. I feel like I used them, and just thinking that makes me feel disgusting. It would've been a different story if they were stick up the behind about it, but they were so understanding when I told them, and that honestly makes me feel worse. That whole experience changed everything I thought I knew, and I'm honestly just confused now.
(Tl;dr: Someone finally asks me out, and instead of being happy like I thought I'd be, I end up going through what I think could've been the worst emotional rollercoaster of my life. I break it off after the first few days and feel like the worst garbage of a human being ever, and am just lost as to who I really am at this point.)
