I know I am not supposed to be on or even awake, but this is my only way to escape rn
I’ve been feeling really alone lately,
like I’m carrying too much inside a body that never gets a break.
On the outside, I look fine, I think,
But inside it’s noise
constant, heavy, never quite letting me rest.
Food, my body, the mirror in my head
all take up more space than I want them to,
more space than I can give them,
And still they stay.
I’ve been struggling in ways I don’t really know how to explain,
and when everything builds up, I reach for anything that feels like relief,
even when I don’t want to be that person.
It’s like I’m stuck in a loop I don’t fully know how to step out of.
And lately it feels like I can’t keep it all inside anymore
like the pressure of pretending I’m okay is starting to crack.
Even in the late hours when I’m still awake, and everything is quiet,
my thoughts don’t slow down to match the world around me.
Instead, they get louder, closer, harder to escape.
I feel far from people, even when they’re near,
like there’s a language I don’t know how to speak
for what’s going on inside me.
So I stay quiet, and it turns into loneliness again.
I wish I could set it all down for a while,
the thoughts, the weight, the constant noise,
and just existing without everything feeling so much at once.
It feels like I’m always stuck between my parents,
like I have to go back and forth and never really feel settled anywhere.
I keep losing friends too, slowly without really noticing at first,
and then suddenly I look around, and I don’t feel like anyone’s person anymore.
Everyone seems to have someone they’re closer to,
someone they pick first, someone who matters more in their life,
and I start wondering where I fit in at all.
Lunch is the hardest part of the day.
I sit alone and try to act like it’s fine,
while everyone else has people to talk to and sit with.
It feels like I’m just there on the edge of everything,
watching it all happen but not really being part of it.
And it just feels lonely, like I’m trying to find my place in everything,
but I keep ending up on the outside.
